


Naruto's Quirks

by Applepie



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Gen, Pre-Shippuden
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-08-16
Updated: 2011-12-09
Packaged: 2017-12-11 13:43:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/799382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Applepie/pseuds/Applepie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We all know pre-shippuden's Naruto is known pretty much as an idiot. Now, how about something different? Let's give him a new quirk, shall we? What about a REALLY ramen obsessed Naruto? A super-negative-emo Naruto? A Kakashi-must-die Naruto? Each chap, different quirk!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ramen Obsessive Much?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically, I wanted to see what happens if Naruto's stupidity was replaced by another quirk.
> 
> I'm really just playing around, assigning a new quirk for Naruto for each chapter. Since I'm going to repeat basically the same few pre-shippuden scenes for each chapter, it might get old fast, but we'll see. I just wanna have some fun with Naruto without having to commit to writing a WHOLE epic-long story on it.

Up on the rooftop of the Ninja Academy, a silver-haired man eyed the three children seated in front of him. "So, let's introduce ourselves, shall we?" he said.

"Can you begin?" The sole girl of the group, Sakura, asked. "You look really suspicious after all." Beside her, the two boys in her team nodded at her words.

_Well, if they insisted..._

"Let's see then," Kakashi said, a hand rubbing his chin as he formed his introduction in his mind, "My name is Kakashi Hatake. I have no desire to tell you my likes or dislikes… Dreams for the future ...hmm … well, I have a lot of hobbies," he finished with an innocent smile through his masked face.

"All you told us was your name," Sakura muttered, a little put out.

Kakashi only grinned harder. "Your turn! Go ahead."

Despite their annoyance at Kakashi withholding his personal information from them, the kids did as they were told. Sakura Hanuro expressed her absolute love for Sasuke, and presented herself as a rabid fan-girl to Kakashi. Her hate for Naruto was noteworthy as well.

Sasuke Uchiha, as Kakashi suspected, became an avenger due to his brother, Itachi's, doings. He looked as though he would have rather preferred a one-man cell.

"And you?" the jounin asked, turning to the last member of Team Seven.

Naruto grinned as he adjusted his headband. "My name is Naruto Uzumaki," he cried, jumping up from his seat, "I like ramen, especially miso ramen, pork ramen, beef ramen, pickle and egg ramen, seafood surprise ramen, instant ramen, naruto ramen, salt ramen, chicken ramen, tomato rame-!"

"Move on," Kakashi interjected, when it was clear the blond was determined to list every single ramen flavour available, and then some. In fact, he had a feeling as long as it had ramen in it, the boy would eat it, no matter the broth or side dish.

Naruto pouted, muttering a few more flavours under his breath before continuing on. "I also like it when Iruka-sensei pays for my ramen, 'cause I have like fifteen bowls of ramen for lunch per day," Naruto rambled, "and I hate the three-minute wait for ramen to cook and when the soup burns my tongue, 'cause then I can eat my ramen properly. And ramen -"

"Any hobbies or ambitions?" Kakashi inserted. He was hearing too much about noodles. Did that boy honestly think nothing but ramen?

Naruto nodded, oblivious, "Okay! So my hobby is to try different types of ramen. My dream is to try ALL types of ramen around the world and find some way to cook it faster!"

Kakashi let out an inaudible groan.

The blond paused for a second. "And be Hokage," Naruto added, almost as an afterthought.

Still, Kakashi grasped on to the idea - the only thing that sounded normal after being subjected to ramen too many times to count in. "Hokage is an ambitious goal," he declared hastily.

Naruto nodded."Yeah," he said, serious. Then his next sentence ruin it all. "but when I'm Hokage, I can open ramen stands on every street. Ichiraku's good, but the only decent one around. Plus then I can eat all I want!"

Kakashi groaned into his hands again. He'd thought too soon.

At least the boy didn't say he wanted to be ramen when he grew up. He'd _really_ have to doubt the kid's sanity if he did, not that he didn't already. But still, he was thankful for the small mercy that Naruto was still half-way sane. 

"That's it for introductions," Kakashi concluded, slipping onto his feet. He'd best close up introductions before he thought too much about the horrors of ramen-obsession induced insaity. "Tomorrow, you have survival training with me. The passing rate is sixty-six percent. Of the twenty-seven graduates only seven will become genin. Everyone else will be sent back to the academy."

"WHAT!" his team cried out. Or rather Sakura and Naruto did. Sasuke never made much sound in the first place.

"Oh, and skip breakfast," the silver-haired jounin added ominously, laughing internally at their scared faces, "You don't want to throw up."

Another "WHAT?" echoed across the village.

"Yes, Naruto? What part of that did you not understand?" Kakashi said patiently, looking down onto the only student who shouted out this time.

"No breakfast?" the blond cried out, "That's worse than a sixty-six percent passing rate! How will I survive without ramen to start off the day?"

" _Ah, yes,"_  Kakashi thought to himself, " _Of course it had to do with ramen. Why did I think otherwise?"_

 

* * *

 

"Teamwork," Kakashi said. "This test was about teamwork, and yet you all left each other and did your own thing." He glowered at them. Sakura and Sasuke stared guiltily back from their spot on the floor. Naruto hung his head, as he couldn't move, tied up on the tree stump. "I'll give you guys one last chance after lunch, but it'll be harder to get a bell." Kakashi wandered over and gave Sakura and Sasuke a lunch box each. "Eat. And don't give Naruto anything. It's his punishment. Got it?"

He  _shunshin'd_ away at the kid's dejected nods.

Barely a few minutes later, Sakura glanced up at the tied up Naruto, worry clearly written on her face. "I'm fine!" Naruto yelled, "I don't need food." His growling stomach betrayed him.

Sasuke raised his eyebrow, gave a long sigh, before he shoved his lunch at Naruto. "Here," he gruffed out after what seemed like hours of deliberation.

The pink-haired girl leaped up in shock. "But Sasuke, sensei said not to feed him!" she cried in panic.

"Without food, he'll only get in the way, and that'll hurt us as well. Besides, I can't sense sensei nearby."

The girl contemplated his words, staring at her own food. Coming to a decision, she pushed her box towards Naruto as well. "Here," she said, equally as convinced as Sasuke that Naruto should eat.

Behind a tree, the silver-haired Copy Nin nodded to himself, proud of their resolution. If they were willing to break the rules for the sake of their fellow teammate, then they would pass. Maybe these little genins had what it took.

"I don't want it!" Naruto yelled from meters away. 

_Ahh? Then again, maybe not._

"Naruto, if you don't eat, then you're only going to drag us down!" Sakura shouted, just as loudly.

"I know," Naruto whined, "but I can't eat it! I can't; it's not RAMEN!" The blond demon container wailed, "I refuse to eat it! I can't betray my love like that! I won't be able to face it when I go home! Don't make me! The first thing that enters my stomach has to be ramen, or else it'll hate me forever!"

Kakashi-sensei sighed behind the tree. " _Of course this would happen,"_ he thought exasperatingly, " _I should have guessed. Now, should this count as a pass or fail?"_

 

* * *

 

"So, who wants to die first?" Zabuza Momochi snarled at the genins. Behind the eyebrow-less nuke-nin, Kakashi was trapped in the enemy's  _Water Prison no Jutsu,_ unable to move. It was up to the kids to save the day.

"Sasuke, I have a plan." Naruto whispered over to the other boy where they were huddled together.

Before he could explain it, the Zabuza water clone rushed over to attack the two boys. Sasuke was first, slammed to the ground hard enough for him to cough up blood.

In a snarl, Naruto ran over, a shout of " _Shadow Clone Jutsu!"_ flying off his lips. His flurry of attacks were useless, but he managed to draw back the nuke-nin. Naruto grabbed his bag, throwing over a large windmill shuriken to Sasuke while Zabuza was distrated. The Uchiha caught the giant shuriken with a knowing smirk, realising Naruto's plan. Immediately, Sasuke fanned open the shuriken, throwing it at Zabuza in haste.

The windmill shuriken flew with ease. It easily sailed over the head of the water clone of Zabuza, quickly making its way toward the real body. "Aiming at the real me, huh?" Zabuza muttered, mildly impressed. His real body was held in place, unable to move while supporting the water prison trapping Kakashi, but still, Sasuke's attempt was no use. With a single hand, Zabuza caught the excessively large throwing star without missing a beat.

That was when another star, just under the shadow on the one he caught, flew at him.

Zabuza quickly leaped into the air, still refusing to release his hand from the Water Prison Jutsu. Then, behind him, there was a sudden puff as the shuriken disappeared, leaving Naruto in it's place. Zabuza turned in surprise, but not quick enough.

_NOW!_

Naruto's hands moved fast. Pulling objects out of his pouch, he hastily chucked it in the direction of the eyebrowless man. In his utter disbelief, Zabuza didn't move. Instead, he merely stood and stared as the objects flew not at him, but towards the Water Prison.

He gave a short pause, trying to digest the scene. "What is that suppose to do?" he asked, almost amused.

To his right, stuck in the prison, Kakashi sighed, now accompanied by five cups of instant ramen. Why did he somehow knew this would happen?

In front of them, Naruto grinned obliviously. "Well, these are instant ramen cups," he said matter-of-factly, as though it was obvious, "They need water to cook, so if I chuck them into your Water Prison, they'll soak up all the water and then Sensei will be free."

The cups of noodles floated in the water, not doing much but obstruct Kakashi's view.

"It clearly didn't work," Zabuza told the boy.

"Clearly. Didn't. Work," the silver-haired jounin repeated pointedly, staring impassively at his student.

"Yeah," Naruto said, a little disappointed at the result. He perked up a second later, "But maybe if you wait a while for the dried ramen to soak it up…"

The missing-nin amused the brat by looking over at his captive. "It's not."

"Just  _wait!"_   Naruto pleaded. The hopeful sparkle in his clear blue eyes made Zabuza give the Prison another look. It still didn't look any smaller. He stared at the jounin teacher blankly. Kakashi tried to shrug. It didn't work, so he just let out a long, dejected sigh. 

_Totally knew this would happen. Why didn't my students run when I told them to?_

"This sucks," he murmured from the prison.

"Fine!" Naruto yelled. Before either ninja in front of him could look over, the boy threw a kunai at the Mist ninja. "Plan B!" he yelled, as the kunai whizzed toward the enemy's face. Zabuza had to let go of the Prision to dodge it.

"I see," Zabuza snarled, a slither of blood running down his cheek. "So the noodles were just a diversion of my attention. Smart."

"No," Kakashi murmured to him, "You think too much for my students. Especially the stupid blond one. He's just stupid." He leaped in the air, Zabuza following closely behind, posed to retaliate. They landed on the river, trading hand seals.

"Why couldn't you have thrown the kunai in the first place?" Sakura hissed at Naruto as he ran back over to his teammates.

He gave a confused shrug. "Why? That was just my backup plan. If you  _waited,_  my first plan would've gone somewhere."

Sasuke rolled his eyes, "No it wouldn't, Dobe."

 

* * *

 

"What do you know about me?" Inari yelled at the dinner table, tears in his eyes. "I'm different from you. You're always clowning around, acting so cheerful. You don't know how hard life can be!"

Naruto snapped. "So you think it's okay to just cry all day? You're nothing but a sissy!"

The younger boy looked up in shock at Naruto's sharp tone. Without another word, he fled, running outside into the cold night with tears still streaking down his cheeks.

"Naruto!" Sakura reprimanded.

Naruto gave out a sigh. "Fine, I'll talk to him again," the blond finally agreed, knowing, if only partially, he  _was_  to blame for making the kid cry. He followed after Inari's little footsteps until he eventually found the boy sitting by the dock outside the house.

"Kid," Naruto began, but the boy only looked away. "Look kid, I didn't mean any harm. I know what you're feeling. I grew up alone myself as well. I was an orphan without my parent, and the kids hated me in the village," Naruto confessed softly.

Inari didn't react for a second, but in the end, he finally looked up, confusion in his eyes. They were both in the same boat, but yet Naruto didn't look it. "But you never stop laughing or smiling," Inari said in disbelief.

"No," Naruto agreed, "Never. Once, when I was a kid like you, I felt like giving up, but then, I found out about  _it_."

"It?" the boy parroted back.

"Yes,  _it,_ " Naruto leaned in, whispering, " _The Ramen God_. Ramen will always love you."

After a few hours of converting, the boy finally smiled. "Yes, you're right, Naruto. Why didn't anyone tell me about the Ramen God sooner? How could I live a life without it for so long?" He stood up. "Thank you, Naruto!" Then, he ran back into the house spouting about ramen the whole way.

Kakashi, who had been sitting on the roof, ready for damage control, sighed out loud as he made out Inari's words. "We lost another one to the noodles."


	2. My First Impression is … I Hate You Too.

The chalk brush fell on his head with a puff of white smoke. Hatake Kakashi's eyelids, if it was possible, drooped lower as he stared blankly at the students before of him. A blond, standing in the middle of the room, laughed hysterically at the face of his chalky teacher.

Kakashi gave a sigh through his mask. These were his students? "My first impression is … I hate you," he said, and watched in hidden delight at their shocked little faces. "Meet -"

"I hate you too!" the blond suddenly screamed.

"Ah?"  _That was a first._

The boy's eyes were burning in anger at his word. The blond genin ran in front of him with a finger pointed at his face. "My first impression is: I hate you too!" He flashed a sadistic grin at the older man, "You couldn't even dodge the eraser! You have no right to hate us, you stupid ninja with no skills!"

"Maa," Kakashi reached out to ruffle the blond's hair, rubbing chalk into it, "now I hate you the most. Meet me on the roof." He  _shunsin'd_  away before the boy could retort back.

**x**

Hatake Kakashi sat on the railing and watched as his students file in, sitting on the floor in front of him. The blond's glare intensified as he neared.

"Now, let's begin by introducing yourselves," Kakashi began, "You know; likes, dislikes, dreams for the future - stuff like that." At his student's suggestion, he gave them an example, watching with an unseen smirk on his face as the genins grumbled over the lack of information he gave them. "Alright then, you first." He pointed at the fuming blond, before swiftly going over his head and landing his finger on the pinklette. There was something fun about teasing that boy. Said boy, who looked rather happy at being first, dropped back into anger when he realized he would probably be introduced last.

The kunoichi squealed, and started her introduction with a blush, "My name is Sakura Hanuro. What I like is … and my hobby is …" she took glances at the Uchiha, "My dream is …" she gave a love struck sigh.  _Typical girl._ "What I dislike is Naruto." She ended with a glare at the blond.

Kakashi pointed at the girl's desire, "Your turn."

The Uchiha entwined his fingers together in front of his face. "Sasuke Uchiha," he grunted out. "I don't like anything and dislike a lot of things. My ambition is to kill a certain man."

Their teacher nodded thoughtfully at the obvious avenger. "And you; the one I hate," Kakashi continued, looking over at Naruto. The boy refused to answer. "Blondy?" he nudged.

The boy jumped up. "Naruto Uzumaki!" he shouted, "I like ramen and Iruka-sensei buying me ramen! I hate the wait for ramen to cook…" Kakashi snickered at his obvious ramen obsession, and received another glare for it, "And Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto finished grandly.

The silver-haired jounin blinked, "Excuse me?"

"I hate Kakashi-sensei!" the boy repeated. "My dream for the future is to live a Kakashi-less life! My hobby is to find a way to get rid of you forever!"

His genin team gapped at him.

Kakashi blinked.  _That was new…_ "Good! Now we all know each other!" Kakashi said happily, clapping his hand together. His one visible eye formed into an upside-down U, showing a smile on his face. "I guess we'll have to work on courage for blondy there; I didn't know I was  _that_  scary."

A blur of yellow came at him, and Kakashi blocked it with a hand on Naruto's head. "Now, now, save that for tomorrow."

The boy stopped short. "Tomorrow?" he parroted back.

The jounin crackled internally at their pale faces as they were told about tomorrow's ordeals.

 

* * *

 

After a four-and-a-half-hour journey from his house to his precious genins, he placed a timer on one of the three logs present behind him in the training area. He ignored their shouts of "You're LATE!"

The copycat ninja smiled happily at them and brought out two bells, "Your objective is to get these from me before the clock reaches noon. The one who doesn't get a bell will be tied to the stump with no lunch." He stared impassively at the genins, "The one without a bell will also be sent back to the academy."

Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke looked shocked at the statement.

"Well, come at me  _with the intent to kill_ , or you won't get anywhere." Kakashi continued, tying the bells to his belt. "You can-"

The rest of his instructions of was cut off by Naruto's ecstatic, "Okay~! Sounds fun!" Naruto was delighted; thrilled; euphoric. You could hear it in his voice. He didn't need to be told twice after hearing the  _invitation_  to kill Kakashi. Their sensei could practically hear the visual heart implied at the end of the word.

"I changed my mind! This is the best training EVER!" the blond cheered. In a blink, Naruto's hands were completely full of kunais ready to throw. His eyes positively lit up.

Kakashi quickly appeared behind Naruto, grabbing the back of his sleeves just in time. "Ahh," Kakashi stared at the sky, "Maybe you're just a tad too enthusiastic, Naruto." He mused. Naruto swept his legs back, and their jounin teacher jumped to avoid the attack, "I guess you can start now." He said to the other two. "The dead-last has."

There was a pink and black blur as Sakura and Sasuke respectively jumped into the forest. Naruto continued to throw kunais at him with the same passionate vigor. Kakashi cast a  _kawarimi_  with a log and appeared behind the boy, "Shouldn't you be, I don't know, hiding?" he asked idly.

"Too busy killing!" Naruto chirped cheerfully.

Kakashi sighed. With a quick  _Hidden Leaf Taijustu: A Thousand years of Pain_ , he watched the boy fly off into the river.

Seconds later he was back. "Do you even listen to me?" Kakashi questioned.

"A good shinobi never listens to the enemy!" Naruto declared.

 _Enemy? I'm giving good advice here._ "I'm your teacher," the jounin deadpanned.

"My life's goal is to kill you! You can't trick me with your lies!" Naruto yelled, pumping his hand up in the air, "Believe it! And die!" His attack frenzy started again.

Kakashi sighed in annoyance, "Can I pawn you off to some other teacher?"

 

* * *

 

"All ready to go?"

Tazuna, the great bridge builder looked skeptically at the silver-haired man, " _This_  is the group going to protect me?" He took a swing of the sake in his hands, "I might as well die now."

"Don't worry, I'm a jounin. I can handle more than these genins" Kakashi consoled.

Naruto nodded at his words, "We'll use him as a human meat shield to take our hits."

"Not quite what I meant." Kakashi pointed out.

"Yeah, whatever," Tazuna led the group out. "I'm a super important client, so just keep me safe." Hours later, they passed by an innocently place puddle of water. In a moment, Kakashi was ripped to shreds by the Demon Brother's chains.

"Sensei!" Sakura yelled. Naruto froze in spot. Sasuke rushed out, kunai in hand. A thrown kunai successfully stopped the chain's motions.

As one of the brothers rushed towards Sakura, Sasuke jumped in front of her. A strong arm stopped the Brother before he reached the Uchiha. "Miss me?" Kakashi asked.

"Damn it, why won't you die!"

After tying up the Brother he turned to his genin. "Good job, Sasuke; you reacted right away to the attack and tried to draw the nuke-nin away from the client. And Sakura, you stood your ground in front of Tazuna even as they came to attack," he praised, "As for you, Naruto, what was with your previous statement?"

Naruto pouted, "I thought you FINALLY died. I was in the middle of celebrating too. And it's not like I didn't want to help my team," Naruto continued as he saw Kakashi's look, "It just shocked me how easily they fulfilled my life's ambition, and like, thought for a second maybe they were the good guys as well. Anyone who wants to kill you is good in my books." He said good-naturedly.

 

* * *

 

Kakashi fell in the river from Zabuza Momochi's kick. Even as he resurfaced, he could feel the presence behind him, but he could't react fast enough. "Foolish." The eyebrow-less man snarled,  _"Water Prison no Jutsu._ "

The river rose around the silver-haired jounin, trapping him in a sphere of condensed water. "It's a shame you can't move now, isn't it?" the nuke-nin laughed, one hand holding the jutsu in place.

"Sensei!" Sakura screamed.

"Stay in here while I take care of the children, Copycat." With a seal formed with his free hand, a water clone appeared before him, "You're just kids playing ninja." He told the genins staring at him in shock, "When I was your age, my hands were already red in blood. They called me the Demon of the Mists." His voice sent shivers down the team's spins, "I've killed countless before, and a couple more won't make a difference. Should I kill you all now, or would you prefer watching your dear sensei die before your very eyes?"

"Eh?" Naruto breathed, "You'll kill sensei?" Zabuza looked at the blond who suddenly seemed overjoyed at his words.

"Oh? You don't believe I'll actually kill your precious sensei?" The missing nin asked, trying to grasp the sudden twist in the situation. These genin were supposed to scream and flail hopelessly around, not beam happily at him.

The blond just smiled brighter, "You'll really kill Kakashi-sensei for me? Really? You're not just getting my hopes up are you?" he asked skeptically.

"Uh, no?" Zabuza hesitantly replied.

"I love you!" the blond exclaimed. His eyes lit up in absolute delight.

The mist ninja looked over to the masked man he held captive in his water prison. "Is he  _really_  your student?"

The captive ninja let out a hidden sigh in the water. "Yeah," Kakashi nodded sadly, "You can have him if you want," he offered, "it seems you both have the same interest in mind."

The man looked over at the orange ninja who stood out even among the thick screen of mist. "I'd rather not." Zabuza replied, watching the young genin jump up and down cheering about Kakashi FINALLY dying. With all his experience of reading others, Zabuza could tell that the blond's admiration and love for him was real. He froze, mind bewildered as Naruto ran up to hug him. He dropped the jutsu by mistake.

Kakashi busted through the prison and forced the enemy back with a well placed kick. Naruto fell in the river soaked. "How could you do that!" the Kyuubi container cried despairingly. "You were finally going to die!"

"Excuse me for valuing my life," Kakashi said dryly, "Now while I know I can't change your mind about rooting for Zabuza, can you please step back?"

With a huff, Naruto did as he was told, but he yelled "You can do it, Zabu-man!" all the way back to the old bridge builder.

The old assassin was positively flustered at all the attention.

 

* * *

 

"Now, first thing we have to work on is tree-climbing."

"Tree-climbing?" the three genin yelled, "What is that going to do?"

The lazy jounin quickly gave the kids a demonstration and explained the exercise. "It helps you learn to gather the right amount of chakra. It's an essential skill all shinobis need to know." Kakashi threw kunais at their feet, "Now pick a tree and get to it."

Kakashi slowly descended his tree watching as Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke continuously tried to accomplish the exercise. He stood behind Naruto, "Not going very high, are we?" he lazily commented at his student's progress.

A glint entered the blond's sky blue eyes.

"Stay right there." He told his teacher who nodded quizzically at the boy. Naruto turned around and ran up the tree, successfully passing his last mark. With a kick, Naruto leaped off the tree, speeding towards the ground -or more specifically, at Kakashi. The jounin took a step towards the side, holding his crutches close.

"Wheee …  _ooph."_ A large crater appeared under the blond hair genin. Said boy glared at his teacher accusingly, "Damn it, why'd you move? You said you wouldn't"

"Now you're just getting desperate." Kakashi sighed.

 

* * *

 

The silver-haired jounin watched his genin, Naruto, Sakura AND Sasuke (how did they rope that boy into playing with them anyways?) leave after he spoiled their attempt to pull off his mask. His idea was ingenious if he said so himself. No one suspected him of wearing TWO masks.

He was about to head home when Naruto came back. Naruto approached him with six identical face masks in his hand and guilt on his face. "I'm sorry about wanting to see what was under your mask," he said pitifully. "I bought you more." He shoved the masks into Kakashi's hands. "Please wear them all. If this happens again, next time you'll be prepared, no matter how many times they make you pull your mask down."

Naruto scuffled his feet in the dirt and wrung his hands hopelessly.

Kakashi patted the blond's hair. He eye creased as he smiled at the genin, "Thank you, Naruto!"

The boy grinned and left. "Please wear them all!" he shouted as he ran off.

Kakashi's lip quirked upwards into a pleased smile. "Well, he's a cute boy now that all that nonsense about killing me is over," the man murmured, looking at the six masks piled in his hands.

The jounin looked up, watching Naruto's retreating back as the boy skipped down the street. "I hope you suffocate under all eight layers of cotton," Naruto muttered conspiringly to himself.

Kakashi's ears twitched as he picked up the whisper. He let out a sigh at the comment, almost wishing he stayed oblivious to Naruto's newest plot. "Or not," he mused.

Seriously, where did he go wrong with that boy?


	3. Naruto Uzuma-Zzz...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Naruto the narcoleptic ninja! XD

Naruto's eyes drew into a glare. From the corner of his eye, he saw Iruka, leaning by the tree, struggling to breathe properly. "I'll kill you, Mizuki." He hissed out, "No one hurts Iruka-sensei!"

The silver-haired man smirked at the boy, "Just try it, Demon."

"I'll pay you back a thousand times!" The blond screamed, hands forming a familiar cross. " _Kage Bushin no Jutsu_!" The trees litter with an eye-blinding orange. "I'll give you the beating of your life!"

They leaped at the fallen man, who could do nothing more than gape at the sheer amount of Narutos present.

" **Raaaahhh!** "

Iruka coughed, waving the dust away from his face. On the floor laid a whole pack of Narutos. All on top of Mizuki, of course. Snoring too, now that he looked closer.

Iruka stared at the squashed figure of his ex-teacher assistant. "I hope he's not dead yet." Naruto ate a lot, so he must've weight a ton, and Mizuki just experienced a thousand Narutos belly flopping him.

Iruka prodded the two unconscious shinobis, not knowing what to do. How was he going to carry the two back? …Or rather, how do you fall asleep in the middle of your attack?

The blond snorted in his sleep, and Iruka idly wondered if passing him really was such a great idea.

 

* * *

 

"So let's introduce ourselves, then?" Team Seven's teacher, Kakashi Hatake, said. He, of course, didn't give any information about himself away. "And now your turn!" the jounin said happily as he finished.

The genins twitched but complied. "I'm Sakura Haruno." The pink-haired girl began. Cue fan-girl, high pitched squeals, and then her introduction was over.

Next was broody Sasuke Uchiha who loved nothing, hated nothing, and wanted to kill something.

Kakashi sighed. Hopefully his last genin would be better. A glance at his orange jacket and he knew that wouldn't happen.

Naruto jumped up before he was told to, "I'm Naruto Uzumaki!" he cheered, "My dream is to Hokage and be acknowledge by all! I hate Sasuke, and waiting for ramen to cook. I love Iruka-sensei, ramen, and-"  _thunk!_

Kakashi leaned forward, staring at the Naruto sleeping peacefully on the ground. The elite jounin blinked, mildly surprised, and after a moment of gawking (and prodding with his foot), he gave a shrug. "I suppose that means he likes sleeping?" he asked no one in particular.

A snore answered his question.

 

* * *

 

"What was that?" Naruto suddenly cried, jumping to a halt.

The team stopped to listen, discreetly trying to nudge Tazuna, the 'great' (and lying) bridge builder, behind them in case it was another attack. They heard nothing but the rustling of leaves.

"Naruto, you idiot. Stop trying to act cool at nothing. You're just jealous Sasuke was able to disarm those two enemy nin while you did nothing but stand there." Sakura snapped in annoyance.

"Am not!" The blond denied, "Besides, I really did hear something!" He whipped out his kunai suddenly. With a quick whip of his head, he turned towards the forest, before abruptly dropping down on the ground.

"Sensei," Sakura whined, "The idiot's falling aslee-"

" _Down!"_ Kakashi interrupted, pushing their client down where Naruto laid.

A huge sword flew over their heads not a second later.

"Hatake Kakashi." A low voice hissed somewhere above them, "What a pleasure to meet you."

Sakura's eyes widened in shock. The voice of the unknow-nin sent shivers down her spin. A quick glance at the gigantic sword cleaved into the bark of the tree ahead of her showed just how close to death she could've been.

Naruto wasn't lying; there really was someone there. And thanks to him, they all narrowly escaped death.

"Well, well," The nin crooned, standing on top of his own sword, "I guess Sharingan Kakashi is not all he's told to be. A little genin detected me quicker than you did."

"Well, you should know that-" Kakashi started to defend himself.

Sakura, however, had no problems cutting off her teacher, "Of course he did! Kakashi's useless."

"Excuse me?"

"He's late and lazy, and a hu-uge pervert!"

"Is that so?" The mist-nin asked.

"See, Naruto may be an idiot, but I guess he isn't totally useless." Sakura praised grudgingly. "I mean, he  _did_  sense you before everyone else, and even knew how to dodge properly. …we just didn't follow him down like he probably expected us to."

Zabuza nodded, "Yes, he must be quite the prodigy. I was certain I was hiding my presence well. It was surprising he dropped to the ground just as the blade left my hand."

The pinklette glared at the enemy with superiority, "Never underestimate Konoha-nins! Us genins are the strongest of our year! And… I suppose I should stop calling Naruto an idiot… He's strong… and quick…" After all, she couldn't sense the man, but Naruto sure did. And now that she thought about it, Sasuke didn't either…

"You two…" Kakashi interrupted, tapping his foot. They both glanced over at him, who merely stood there, finger pointing at Naruto.

They stared at the blond just as a snore cut through the air.

Sakura's eyes widened, and anger built up. Never mind what she just said! "Dammit, you stupid Naruto! Give me back my complements!" Why did she doubt Sasuke; Sasuke all the way!

And up in the tree, Zabuza idly wondered if he was losing his touch if little kids were able to fall asleep in his presence.

 

* * *

 

A young "girl" in a kimono walked carefully into an open meadow. In her hands she clenched a woven basket, herbs steadily piling up in it. She looked at the orange figure lying in the meadow. His face was full of grim, and clothing reeked of sweat.

The girl nudged the boy. Naruto opened his eyes to see a face hovering concernedly above him.

"Are you alright, Shinobi?"

Naruto blinked, "Yeah." He answered blearily.

"What are you doing all by yourself out here?"

"Training," Naruto grinned as the lady in the Kimono then questioned his motives. "I'll be strong to protect my precious people." He answered, "I'll beat Zabuza, and Sasuke, and be Hokage, and have people acknowledge me! I'll be the best there is! You'd better fear-" His narcolepsy caught up again.

"Shinobi?" Haku started to reach out, before jerking his arm back. Was this a trick? Did the boy suspect him to be the fake hunter-nin, and was trying to catch him off guard?

He whipped out his senbon, holding them in a defensive stance. The wind weaved through his long hair; the only movement as he stood frozen – alert - in front of the other boy. The blond merely gave out a snore.

"You can't fool me." Haku responded quietly, eyeing the genin.

Another snore erupted from his lips.

The fake hunter-nin stared, shaking his head, "Your snores are too well timed. You are faking it." He stated. He shoved his senbons closer, the metal needles glistening under the setting sun.

The Konoha-nin still refused to talk. "Do not make this harder on yourself than it already is. Did you not think I would suspect anything when you just suddenly 'fall asleep'?" there was no answer. "What gave it away?" Haku asked, "Was I talking too stiffly? Do I not pass as a girl? I knew it; that was it, wasn't it?

"I knew I shouldn't have underestimated you. You Konoha-nin were so close to beating Zabuza-sama. Who are you? An elite team under the guise of genins? No one has ever been able to see through my disguise as quickly as you did."

Again, a snore was heard.

The long-haired boy frowned "…Shinobi?" he asked hesitantly, still waiting for a response. The awkward silence stretched on.

Haku studied the blond carefully, finally nudging the boy once more. "Shinobi?" Was he  _really_  sleeping? "Wake up, Shinobi. You'll catch a cold out here. Or possibly be killed." He threatened softly. The Konoha genin, however, just continued snoring.

"I might just possibly kill you." He stated, still watching the blond's movements. There was nothing. Not even a twitch.

Haku stared suspiciously at him.

Poke.

Snore.

Poke.

Snore.

Haku sighed, rubbing his temples exasperatingly. Just  _how_  did this boy help beat his Zabuza-sama?

 

* * *

 

"You. What's your name?" Sasuke demanded, hopping off the tree he was sitting in. He kept his eyes trained on the red-haired boy with the large gourd on his back. He was strong… too strong.

The glaring eyes of the unknown nin hardly moved as he looked thoughtfully at the other boy. There was a long pause before he finally said, "Garra of the Desert," in a dead voice. His pale green eyes bore on Sasuke's. "You are interesting. What is  _your_ name?"

The last Uchiha smirked at the acknowledgement. "Sasuke Uchiha." He stated. They locked eyes, daring the other to look away first.

"Hey! What about me?" Naruto yelled in the background.

"Not interested." The red-head droned, turning around sharply. He started to stroll away.

"Hey!" Naruto cried, "You'd better remember me! I'm going to be the strongest ninja ever! The next Hokage! You'll never be able to do what I can!" he gloated.

"Really." Was the uninterested reply.

The hyper blond leaped towards them. "Of course! Remember me well! I'm Naruto Uzuma-"  _Zzzzz…_

Sakura face-palmed. Garaa froze mid-step. Naruto continued to snore.

The temperature dropped a few degrees as the young red-head turned back towards Team Seven. "Is he- " Naurto's voice echoed through his mind: ' _You'll never be able to do what I can!'._ "Is he  _mocking_  me?" he growled out, glaring at Naruto. The dark eye-bags around his sleep-deprived eyes seemed so much more prominent as he stared at the slumbering blond.

"Uhh, he does that from time to time." Sakura tried to reason. "Falling asleep for no reason, that is."

The Suna-nin ignored her, anger rising. "Naruto Uzumazzz, huh? He'd better watch his back."  _How dare he mock me…_

The pinklette watched as the other ninjas walked away. "Stupid idiot," she muttered, kicking the blond on the floor.

"Hey!" Konohamaru defended, "At least Boss got acknowledged!"

Sakura threw her hands up in the air in frustration, "He didn't even get his name right!"

 

* * *

 

Ibiki glared down at the genin in front of him. The scratching of pencils filled his ears.

Ibiki loved being the first protractor of the Chunin Exams. The nervous, anxiety-ridden kids were fun to watch, as they sweated over a useless written test.

His sharp eyes swept over the prospering shinobis.

A red-head seemed to catch on already. He formed a seemingly innocent hand-seal, and immediately began writing. There was a distinct lack of pulsing charka around him as he did his jutsu. No bad for a kid his age.

A pink-haired girl seemed to have no problems what-so-ever. In fact, she immediately started writing as soon as he said "Begin". A genin had no problem answering his question from her own knowledge? Maybe the test was too easy?

And there was a girl in hair buns fiddling around with a mirror over her head. As if he could miss something as huge as that – especially something that reflected light so easily. But then again, it was just one count for cheating, and he couldn't do much about it.

And on the other side of things, there were kids breaking down, kids with  _very_  obvious shifty eyes, kids staring blankly at the test, kids muttering prayers, kids trying to help others, kids sleeping peacefully, kids-

Wait, what? Sleeping  _peacefully_  in  _his_  answer-or-fail test of all things?

Ikibi fixed a spin-chilling glare at the blond innocently sleeping on his desk. The lavender-eyed girl beside the boy cowered expectantly, trying to discreetly nudge the blond awake. The boy woke up with an exaggerated yawn and stretch. Twin groans from who Ibiki could only assume was his cell team echoed across the room at the same time.

"Well since we're all awake now," he snapped, "It is time for the tenth question." The scarred man spewed his whole 'if you fail you can't ever be a ninja again' nonsense to the frightened genins. They trembled at the aspect of never becoming a ninja. "Raise your hand if you want to leave." He commented.

One by one, hands began to rise.  _It was too easy._

An unsteady hand rose, shaking in the air. Ibiki looked down at the boy attached to the arm. Blond hair greeted him. Ah, it was the sleeping boy. Not so tough now.

The hand slammed down before he could tell the kid to leave.

"Like I'll ever run away!" the blond yelled, "Who do you think I am? You're talking to the future Hokage! I'm afraid of nothing."

"Your whole future depends on whether you pass or fail this question." Ibiki threatened.

"You think you can scare me?" Naruto interrupted with a snort, "You know what I think about your test? I think it's-" His words cut off as the boy tipped forward.

Ikibi raised an eyebrow, impressed. Ah, so he found it boring, huh? He found it so boring he could fall asleep? The blond was fearless, he'd give him that. And giving a visual instead of just stating it sure made an impact.

Ibiki sent the kids away to Anko, surprising them with the 'you've passed' speech.

The man wandered over to where the blond was sitting, grabbing up his test paper. An empty sheet greeted his sight. There was not a single mark on the page.  _He didn't even attempt to answer any questions…_

The boy was so calm – he could fall asleep even with the stress of failing the exam. He dared to mock his first exam. He… Ibiki paused in thought.

The boy was so nonchalant about the whole thing, even with his career on the line… it was like he knew what would happen from the beginning. He didn't bother even picking up his pencil, and slept the whole time because he knew there was no point in writing anything. He didn't mind falling asleep since he knew he didn't need to do anything to pass. He made fun of the test by dropping to sleep in front of him because he knew he didn't need to pay attention to the tenth question.

He  _had_  to have known what was going on _since the_   _beginning_!

Ibiki pulled up the memory of the blond's face trying to place a name to it. Naruto Uzumaki, he remembered, genin in Kakashi Hatake's cell. The man nodded to himself, "I'm going to have to keep my eye on that boy." Naruto was the first one to see through his act so quickly.

Just what was Kakashi teaching his kids?

 

* * *

 

" _Tajuu Kage Bushin no Jutsu!"_  Naruto yelled, the area immediately fill up with clones.

Sasuke swore under his breath. As if the fenced roof of the hospital was not small enough, now he didn't even have any room to move.

With a quick " _Katon!"_  he burnt the whole lot. The smoke cleared to a sight of two blonds forming a chakra sphere in his hands. Sasuke swore again, but his hands immediately started crackling with lightening chraka. " _Chidori!"_

Naruto ran forward towards the other boy, " _Rasengan!"_

It would be the clash of the century. The two glowing balls of chakra got closer. _Closer_.  ** _Closer_** …

 

"Goddammit!" Sasuke shouted. "Enough! I've had enough of this! Can't a guy get a proper battle around here anymore?"

The last Uchiha sent a kick at  Naruto's stomach, where the blond had fallen asleep mid-attack. "That's it, I give up." He growled.

"Sasuke?" Sakura questioned from her place by the sidelines.

He turned towards her, eyes burning with rage. "How the hell do you fall asleep while attacking? He keeps ruining the mood!"

Sakura's eyes widened, "But –"

"No buts." The raven haired boy snapped. "Screw Konoha; I'm defecting!" Sasuke took a quick, final glance back at Sakura, "When Naruto wakes up and finds me gone, you can tell him it's  _all his fault_."

With that, he leaped over the fenced roof. The last thing the pinklette heard before Sasuke disappeared completely out of sight, was him muttering moodily under his breath, "I bet  _Orochimaru_  doesn't have to deal with people falling asleep in the middle of battle."

And the sad thing was, Sakura couldn't disagree with him.

...in fact, it almost persuaded  _her_ to leave as well.


	4. Negativity King

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So anyways, the 'super-negative-emo' Naruto, as I've been calling it, is now done. I really didn't know how else to name the quirk. Basically, anything you say to Naruto, he will take it negatively, and will try to fix the problem by killing himself.
> 
> If anyone's read the manga 'En Passant' (mainly the first chapter, cuz after that, there's actually a plot) that's where I got the idea from. But, honestly, Naruto's not as bad as Kujou Shin.

Mizuki approached Naruto, beckoning the boy to come with him.

"I'm sorry you failed," the silver-haired man said as soon as the boy approached him. The assistant teacher smiled, rather tightly, at the blond as he tried to sooth his sorrow.

"Thanks for trying." Naruto said glumly.

The man just nodded at the young blond. "Iruka really wanted you to pass, you know. He treats you so tough because he sees himself in you."

"He sees  _himself_  in  _ME?_ "

The teacher nodded.

Blue eyes widened in shock, "Oh God, I'm killing Iruka's image of himself when he was young! No wonder he hates me; I should just die!"

The silver-haired man looked confused. With a frown, he continued on, "Iruka cares a lot about you."

"He cares so much about me, but all I do is  _fail_ … I should go strangled to death myself for failing him so badly." Naruto cried miserably, heading towards the swings for the rope that hung there.

Mizuki pulled him back, "Now, now, Iruka really wanted you to pass. And there still is a way – a makeup test! All you need to do is-"

"Argh, he tried so hard for me to pass and I  _still_  failed him! I don't deserve to live! I deserve to-"

Mizuki cracked, "What is wrong with you, Kid? Just do the makeup test and-"

Naruto wailed, "And now you're mad at me too! I should fall down the-"

"Do the makeup test in the Hokage Towers -"

"-and it's all  _my_  fault that Iruka-sensei-"

"JUST STEAL THE DAMN FORBIDDEN SCROLL!" Mizuki finally snapped.

Naruto blinked at the assistant teacher's sudden outburst. "But-"

"Do it and Iruka and the whole world will be  **happy**."

Naruto blinked, mulling over the thought in surprise, "Well, okay then," he finally said, slowly, "happy's good, I suppose..."

 

* * *

 

"Where is he, he's late!" Sakura screamed in frustration, bored of waiting for their Jounin teacher already. Three hours had already passed since the last team left.

The door opened at that second, "Maa, my first impression is… I hate you." A silver-haired man said as soon as his head pass through the doorway.

There was a pause.

"…Oh, I'm so sorry."

Kakashi blinked. An apology? That was a first; no one had ever apologised at that line before. Got mad, yes. Lashed out, yes. Swore at him, yes.  _Apologise_ , no.

The blond wasn't done yet, "I'm sorry you were forced to be on a team with someone you hate… like me. I'll bash my head in the wall until I bleed to death to repent!"

The thuds echoed across the room with every hit. Blood trickled rapidly down the blonds face as Kakashi stared at him. Gloved fingers closed around the boy's orange jumpsuit to hold him back as blood pooled the ground, "Er- don't." Kakashi said. The Sandaime would kill him if a student died the first day he got them.

"I don't deserve to live if all I cause is misery to those around!" the blond cried out.

"I'm starting to… uh, like you guys a little bit more." Kakashi lied.

"Uhh, now you're forced to lie to try and cheer up someone as unworthy as me." Naruto groaned, "I don't deserve to live! I'll go drown myself in the bacteria infested toilets." His blue eyes held the resolution to do so.

Finger pulled him back. "No! I, um, I was joking. I really like you guys. Now let's all go up to the roof for introductions!" Kakashi corrected quickly, pushing forward to safer topics. The Sandaime would  _really_ kill him.

…  _Safer topics_ …  _Safe_ … The Jounin suddenly had an image of the blond jumping off the roof.

He paused, "On second thought, let's all go to Training Ground 1. You know, that field of grassland, free of any pointy trees, or stubs, or sharp rocks, or streams." _Yeah, that seemed like a good place to go…_

* * *

 

"- come at me to kill" As soon as the words left his mouth, a sob sounded form his genins. "What now, Naruto?"

"I disgust you so much that you'd rather die than spend another second with me?"

"Must you take  _everything_  I say so negatively?" Kakashi sighed. "Why can't you just think it was a joke, or encouragement, or something?"

"Ohh," Naruto shook his head sadly to himself, "Now you're mad at me. I annoy you so much, don't I? I'm sorry for being alive; I'll go rub myself with cheese and run into the Forest of Death to be eaten."

Kakashi rubbed his temples.  _Good god, why am I stuck with him._  "Naruto, the Hokage would kill me if I let you die– inside the village no less."

The boy looked worried, "I was going to inconvenience you again? I promise I won't, then."

The silver-haired Jounin sighed out in relief. He should have thought to do this in the first place. "Good, now back to business-"

Before he could finish, Naruto started to slowly shuffle away from the rest of the group.

"Where are you going now?" Kakashi groaned in annoyance.

The blond gave him a down-casted stare, "I don't want to trouble you so I'm going to go  _outside_  the village gates to die." he murmured over to them.

Kakashi clenched his fists, trying to supress his urge to kill the blond himself, " _That's not what I meant!"_

* * *

 

"Stupid cat." Sasuke snapped, holding the ugly thing in an arm's length away. Tora hissed and snarled at the Uchiha in anger. He threw the blasted cat at Madam Shijimi, who snuggled tightly on to her precious kitty.

"Oh, my little Tora, I was so worried!" she crooned, walking over to pay the mission fee.

Team Seven ignored her, staring boredly at the Hokage, waiting for their next mission. Iruka surveyed the team thoughtfully.  _Something was missing…_  Kakashi stood in a languid slouch with an orange book in his hand, Sakura was making doe eyes at Sasuke, and Sasuke was staring stoically at the front of the room. Iruka frowned. "Sasuke, where's Naruto?"

"In a ditch." was the plain answer.

"He's  _what_?"

"Hey," Sasuke held up his scratched hands in defense, "It wasn't me. He jumped in himself when he got depressed that not even animals liked him."

"Oh." Iruka said slowly.

The raven-haired boy continued, "And then he told me to fill it up with water and hit it was my  _katon_ so he could boil to death." he added with a dark smile.

The Academy teacher head shot up, troubled, " _Did you_?"

The Uchiha gave a noncommittal shrug in response. "Hey, at least I threw in some instant ramen to boil along with him." he commented. "That should keep him happy in heaven."

"Sasuke!"

"I'm kidding." The boy replied dryly. … _but which part was he kidding about_ …?

 

* * *

 

Small fists slammed on the table in anger, "What are you trying to achieve?" Inari yelled, "You're all going to die in the end! There's no such thing as heroes. If you want to die so badly then just die already!"

Three pairs of eyes flickered towards Naruto who froze mid-bit. The blond coughed lightly before looking up. He tilted his head in confusion as he saw their stares, "What?" he asked, "You were talking to me? I wasn't paying attention."

Kakashi sighed in relief.  _Whew, danger adverted._

Inari glared at the blond, "I  _said_ I hate y-" he screamed. A gloved hand covered his mouth.

"He hates yam." The jounin teacher covered. The other two genins on the team nodded quickly in agreement.

Naruto blinked, "Oh, you too? Man, they leave a bad aftertaste, don't they?" he said. And then they continued eating in peace.

 

* * *

 

"Now, I'm going to be taking care of Sasuke's training for the next month, okay?"

"What about me?" Naruto shouted with a frown, "I need training for the Finals too!"

"Yes, well, don't worry about it, Naruto." Kakashi consoled with a smile, "I have a great teacher for you. I had to pull some strings and you'll be meeting him tomorrow. "

The blond looked down-casted, "Oh, it's not you, then?"

"No, but he's an excellent teacher for you."

Naruto shook his head softly with a quiet sob, "I knew it; you couldn't stand the sight of me any longer."

"That's not it-"

"But you're training Sasuke, right?"

Kakashi looked mildly apologetic, "Yes, I suppose so…" he said.

"You prefer to be with Sasuke than with me, huh?" Naruto cried.

"That's-"

"-I'm sorry, Sensei; I didn't know you hated me that much! I didn't mean for you to suffer so much. Had I known, I would've spared you from suffering by leaving ages ago! I'll go and smas-"

"You know what?"Kakashi interrupted with a snap, "Forget the other teacher. I'm sending you to  _ **therapy**_."

 

* * *

 

Gaara let out a roar, half transformed. The Ichibi turned around quickly, focusing on the orange clad figure in front of him

His sandy tail swung behind him, eager for a fight, still talking, "Are you going to be fighting for your friends? Don't you know that you are strongest when you fight for your own sake? You cannot trust anyone but yourself. Love no one but yourself."

"They're my precious people…" Naruto began.

"They will all betray you in the end. Just  _love yourself."_  The redhead snarled at the boy.

Naruto frowned at the words.  _'Just love myself?'_ "Who are you, my therapist? …  _wait a minute_ ," Naruto said suspiciously, "Who told you to say that?" he demanded. "Are you working for my therapist? Did he send you to spy on me? Did he put you up to this?"

"I work alone."

Naruto suddenly groaned, "Ohh, and now he's making you lie for my sake too! If I looked so untrustworthy, he should've told me in the first place instead of making someone follow after someone as pitiful as me! I'm sor- I mean, I'll go swallow kunais until they cut through my stomach to atone to you." the blond wailed.

Sasuke swore when he saw the Ichibi's tail swinging towards his teammate. Sending a surge of chakra to his feet, he kicked off the branch towards Naruto. Grabbing the scruff of his orange jumpsuit, the two boys landed on a higher tree branch on a neighbouring tree.

Beside them, where Naruto had just been, laid a pile of dusty splinters. "What the hell did the therapist do? You're the same as before." Sasuke snapped, eyeing the blond beside him. And what was Kakashi thinking, sending  _Naruto_  of all people to help him take down the redhead?

"Uh," Naruto scratched his head, "He told me to stop apologising…"

"That's  _all_  you covered in a month?"

"Yup."

"You suck. You're a slow learner, Dobe."

"I know I'm disgraceful. I'll jump off now." the blond began, heading towards the edge of the tree branch.

The Uchiha lurched forwards to tug Naruto back from trying to jump and fall head first from the tree branch, catching the blond just in time. "You know what, I think I liked it better when he gave us  _more of a warning_  before trying to off himself." He muttered to himself in annoyance.

Making her way towards them to join in the fight, Sakura nodded as she overheard Sasuke's words, "I agree. …so, more therapy for Naruto if we get out of this alive?"

Sasuke widened his eyes, "God, I hope so."

 

* * *

 

"What is wrong with that kid?" Itachi asked eyeing the blond boy muttering promises about suffocating himself, while trying to tie a plastic bag around his head.

It took only a second for Sasuke to realise what Naruto was doing, "Oh God," he groaned into his hands, "Ignored him. Honestly, he'll just give you a huge headache."

Naruto blinked over at them, overhearing through the bag, "Oh, does my presence do that to you? I didn't know that, Sasuke. Sorry, I'll go stab myself repetitively with a-"

"God, you know what, Itachi?" Sasuke cried. "Take him!"


	5. Icha Icha Naruto!

Kakashi pulled out his trusty orange book as he felt Sasuke and Sakura's chakra signatures hurrying out to the trees around him. He snuck a peek up over his book to check on his last student, Naruto.

Said boy was standing there finger shaking as the pointed wide-eyed at him. "I-is that – Is that –"

The Jounin looked down, noting the incriminating cover of his precious novel. "Ahh, well, it's a good book…" the man said in his defense. That poor innocent child.

"It's  _Icha Icha_!" Naruto cried out.

"There's nothing wrong with a good read."Kakashi continued to defend his literary choice.

" _Icha Icha!_ " Naruto repeated, almost in a daze.

"It's filed under 'good porn'." Kakashi tried to placate.

The blond demon-container clearly had enough of the pervert, as he launched himself at his teacher. The older man spun back to avoid, as Naruto's face buried into the ground beside him. The genin quickly jumped back up, spitting out dirt.

Kakashi had expected anger; had expected furious words spat at him, as he quietly positioned himself to launch an unsuspecting " _Thousand Years of Pain_ " at the boy. What he got was a laugh and a squeal in excitement.

"I love you, Kakashi-sensei!"

_Eh?_

"I love  _Icha Icha_  too!" The blond yelled.

_A bigger 'eh'?_

"Oh mi-gosh, I can't believe you like it too! It's, like, my favourite novel of all times! I've read it so many times! My favourite part was when Kitou caught Kagura under the moon and dragged her onto the sea-side, stripping every step, an- "

Kakashi raised a silver brow at the genin dropping his fingers, "Aren't you a little young for this book?" he asked, cutting off the rambling.

There was a pause. "Are you saying I shouldn't read it?" Naruto whined.

The Jounin snorted, "Of course not."  _Icha Icha was God._

The blond grinned at his teacher's words, "You're the best Sensei ever!" the boy cheered. "So anyways," he continued, "I read another good novel. It's similar to that volume of  _Icha Icha_ , except instead of Kagura as a wealthy mistress, the main character is actually…"

Kakashi listened intently, burning story titles and plotlines into his brain. "Hmm," The silver-haired Jounin nodded, considering the boy's words. "Sounds interesting. Read any good novels containing harems lately?" he wondered out loud.

Naruto practically bounced on his feet, "Oh, yes!" he said cheerily. Kakashi eagerly leaned closer beside him in response.

A hidden raven-haired genin, hiding behind a tree, took this distraction as his cue to attack. "Porn freaks!" Sasuke yelled, running out with a flying kick.

Kakashi caught him and flung him away easily. "Be quiet, Sasuke," the man order. He turned back to Naruto happily, "Continue, please."

And continue the blond did, chatting on and on about more similar novels he read that Kakashi-sensei might also like. The silver-haired Jounin nodded to himself, trying to keep track of all the new series he never heard about.

_Ahh, maybe the Hokage was right; it was about time he accepted a genin team for once._

* * *

 

"Begin!"

Naruto flipped over the paper at his word, hand immediately poised on top of the exam to write. He read the first question. …er… let's skip that for now. Second, …er… maybe later. Third… oh, hehe, let's move on…

Naruto laid slumped on the table in panic. What was he going to do now? Sakura and Sasuke would kill him if he failed!

His fingers twitched, pencil tapping on the wooden table. Maybe they wouldn't notice if he  _pretended_  he knew what he was doing? No one needed to know, right? With that in mind, Naruto started writing random sentences in the answer boxes with concentration.

…And then his mind wandered.

"Thirty-four, out!" A chunin yelled as the genin in question suddenly jumped out of his chair, face red, and scrambling as far away as possible from his half-written exam paper.

"But-"

"No excuses," the chunin cut him off, "it's your fault for leaping out of your chair for no reason."

More bickering ensued, but Naruto ignored them. He was really getting into writing.

' _So after that scene,'_  Naruto thought, as his brain already supplied him with the next sentence. His fingers moved furiously, writing as quickly as he could.

A chair clatter behind him as a genin fell out of it holding his nose. Naruto obliviously ignored him, pencil scratching fast.

"… _his hand wandered lower, slipping in to the dark, wet…"_

There was a ' **clunk'**  as a genin fainted at her table.

"…  _her mouth widened, hungry; eager. Deep laboured breathing fill the air with hot, sweet breaths, as she …"_

Three more were kicked out as their papers slowly soaked blood-red on their tables. But Naruto paid them no heed as well. Who knew writing was so much fun.

"…  _he moaned out, while keeping his hand in her throbbing …"_

He ignored Ibiki's speech, and ignored the broken glass shards as some random lady jumped into the classroom to greet them. He only left the table when Sakura grabbed him by the ear telling him to hurry up, all the while prattling on about a possible bug going around causing nosebleeds.

Naruto frown, sulking as Sakura continued dragged him away. Who cared about some stupid diseases flying around? He just wondered if he could ask for his exam back.

He still wasn't done writing his porn yet.

 

* * *

 

Orochimaru's tongue grew, wrapping around the raven-haired boy. Sasuke shook him off with a kunai and a low kick to the stomach. The man licked his lips, "That wasn't very nice." he purred.

The Uchiha swore, diving to his right as the snake-like man advanced again.

"Ohh, this would be so good of Sasuke was a girl." Naruto groaned, blearily from where he had been flung to early on in the fight.

"A little help would be nice." the raven-haired boy snapped.

Naruto distractedly looked up at him, "Give me a second." he said, hands busy. His hands fumbled through his weapons pouch as he tried to find what he needed.

In front of him, Orochimaru leaped after Sasuke, eyes glistening in perverse glee. He pounced on the younger boy, pinning him down.

"Naruto!" Sasuke barked.

"Give me a sec." the blond repeated.

The Uchiha struggled under the Sannin's grip. His eyes found their way to Naruto again. "If you have the energy to take notes, get fighting!" he spat at the blond.

Naruto ignored him, pencil still scribbling frantically in the notebook he finally found in his pouch. "Yeah, yeah," he said dismissively.

"Naruto!"

"Yeah, I  _know,_  but this is quality stuff." the blond snapped back at him. His blues eyes flickered desperately between the scene and his papers, trying to jot everything down.

Orochimaru leaned down on the wriggling Uchiha. Sasuke could feel his hair rise as Orochimaru's hot breath breathed down on his neck.

"Naruto!" the Uchiha all but whined in plead.

The blond finally looked at him, "Yeah, yeah," he said, "I'm getting-" His voice tapered off as something caught his eye. He lit up in glee, "oh, Snake-man, move a little to the right. Yeah, like that! Perfect! That's the exact scene I had in mind, just, you know, without the clothes in the way."

"… I can arrange that."

Sasuke flopped dangerously on the ground. His Sharingan spun wildly in agitation, "Naruto!" he screamed, "Help me! Get me out of here right now!"

"But-"

"NOW!"

The blond finally got up, carefully storing away his notebook. He rushed at the older man, ready to kick him off his teammate.

Too late.

Orochimaru leaned down, mouth widening. Without a warning, he bit down on Sasuke's neck. And then he was gone, already hopping down trees less than a second later.

Naruto slid across the ground trying to stop the momentum. His eyes lingered on the scene trying to mentally replay the image. His blue eyes widened hugely, "Ohh, this would make such a good sequel to my story."

 

* * *

 

"Ah, good, you're both here." Kakashi greeted as Naruto walked towards him. Sasuke sat up on the bed of the made-shift hospital room he was staying in. His body still ached from the cursed seal that was placed on him. Kakashi turned towards the blond and got straight down to business, "I'm afraid, Naruto, I can't train you for the Third Exam"

"What?" the blond shrieked.

"Now, now, I've managed to find a good teacher for you, Naruto."

Blue eyes glared back at his teacher, "I bet you're going to train Sasuke, while I get stuck with some lame-ass teacher." he pouted.

The Jounin chuckled, scratching his cheek at the accusation. He couldn't deny it.

The glare deepened for a second as Kakashi gave a guilty smile back at him. After a short pause, the demon-container finally let out a sigh in acceptance. "Ahh, well, fine, I suppose." Naruto grumbled out.

Kakashi looked relieved. Sasuke smirked out in triumph at the fact that their teacher favoured him.

"I mean," Naruto continued, "He has a lot to learn, I suppose. He's such a square. He can't even look at a porn novel without blushing," the blond pointed out. Naruto looked at Kakashi-sensei seriously in the eye, "I don't mind if you train him, he has a  _lot_  to learn, after all."

The Jounin looked thoughtful at that, "Maa, you don't have to remind me," Kakashi replied sorrowfully, slowly and sadly, with a shake of his head.

The blond nodded at his teacher, completely ignoring his teammate. "If you need to borrow anything from me – you know, books, or whatever you need for training him -, feel free to just take them." he said.

Kakashi smile, "Ahh, don't mind if I do." he said cheerfully, eyes already sparkling with glee.

On the bed beside them, Sasuke shivered, watching their faces grow more and more perverse. He honestly wondered if they both were even talking about the same kind of training he had in mind anymore.

Maybe it  _wasn't_  such a good idea to go training alone with Kakashi…?

 

* * *

 

Jiraiya looked at Tsunade seriously in the eye, "Will you come back with us to be the Godaime?" Around them, the chattering of the bar they were in almost seemed to quiet down at those words.

The woman, Tsunade, snorted in annoyance immediately, "Being Hokage is stupid; they all die trying to achieve an impossible dream of bring peace to the world. Only idiots want to something like gambling with their lives and becoming the Hokage. No one but a fool would do it."

Naruto suddenly leaped up from his seat at her words, planting his foot on the table. He stared down the blonde before him.

Tsunade just raised an eyebrow, "You have something to say to me, brat?" She spat out.

"YEAH!"

Her eyes narrowed at the boy's words, "Want to take it outside?" she challenge venomously, rising up from her seat.

There was a pause. Naruto blinked, "What? No. Why?" He froze. "I mean I like porn and all, but don't you think I'm a little young to get naughty with you? And we just met!"

Tsunade stopped in her tracks. "So you didn't jump up because you didn't like what I was saying about Konoha's Hokage and the Hokage seat, and wanted a fight?" she questioned hesitantly.

"Err, no. Did you want me to?"

The Slug Princess shook her head slowly, "So what did you want?"

Naruto grinned, sitting back down on his seat, "I just wanted to tell you that I support you in not being Hokage. I mean, you're so better suited for another job!"

Something in the boy's dreamy declaration nudged at Tsunade's suspicions. "What job do you have in mind." she asked, almost dreading his answer.

"The busty heroine of the novel called ' _The Princess' Servants'_  is coming with a movie soon! You so fit the looks. And the novel's great with its reverse-harem, and all the smutty scenes! Kakashi loved it too! He wouldn't give me my book back!" Naruto babbled on, completely missing the older woman's narrowing glare, "I mean, when I first saw you (I mean your boobs), I knew immediately your talents lie in being an actress, and definitely not Hokage! I support your decision completely! I mean, nothing about you screams Hokage. But the busty, flirty heroine, on the other hand-"

Tsunade felt a vein throbbing on her temple. "Jiraiya…" the blonde threatened, turning to her perverted teammate.

"It wasn't me!" the man denied furiously. Jiraiya held a still-talking Naruto in front of him as protection. He scooted as far back as he could in the bar as Tsunade's fist inched closer to his face. "He was like that  _when I got him_!"

Beside him, Naruto obliviously talked away, "Now that you've declined and all, I can get you a job as an actress. I have some connects, you know. You don't have to worry a thing, I mean, you fit the role perfectly like you were born for it! I don't know what the old geezers of Konoha were thinking when they wanted you to take up the Hokage's seat. Honestly, you obviously aren't Hokage material. And besides-"

A vein bursted. "You know what, I think I  _ **will**_ accept after all." Tsunade snapped.

Naruto froze. "What? NO!" he wailed. "I was looking forward to the movie!"

Tsunade just smirked at him in triumph.

 

 

* * *

**OMAKE**

"What do you know about me?" Inari yelled at the dinner table, tears streaking down his face. "I'm different from you. You're always clowning around, acting so cheerful. You don't know how hard life can be!"

Naruto snapped. "So you think it's okay to just cry all day? You're nothing but a sissy!"

The boy looked up in shock, and ran outside, tears still streaking down.

"Naruto!" Sakura yelled out.

Naruto gave out a sigh. "Fine, I'll talk to him again." He followed after Inari's little footsteps. He found the boy sitting by the dock outside his house.

"Kid." The boy looked away. "Look kid, I didn't mean any harm. I know what you're feeling. I grew up alone myself as well. I was an orphan without my parent, and the kids hated me in the village."

Inari looked up, shocked that they were in the same boat, "But you never stop laughing or smiling."

"No," the blond said, "Never. Once, when I was a kid like you, I felt like giving up, but then, I found out about  _it_."

"It?" the boy parroted back.

"Yes,  _it_." Naruto leaned in, whispering, " _The_ _ **Porn**_ _God_."

And after hours of converting… Kakashi smiled with approval from the rooftops where he was listening in. He quietly sneaked a familiar orange-covered book under the young Inari's pillow as a gift-offering. He had high hopes for that boy.

_All hail the Porn God._

* * *

**OMAKE 2**

Ibiki went around the room, collecting the exam papers, quickly skimming each one. When he got to the Uzumaki's paper, he stopped. And did a double-take. And read. And read. And read some more.

The man nodded to himself. If this was what was going to come of it, they needed more teachers like Hatake Kakashi.

And then he stuffed the exam paper in his pocket for safe keeping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone recognize Omake1 scene? It's from chapter one!


End file.
